taking on the arduous task of attempting to navigate my own self-perception when my experienc eusing my mind's eye is equivalent to that of a newborn fawn using their legs

part of the problem that i personally have arises from the inability of myself to exist in this current spce and time, brain constantly having to whishk me away so that i perceive my own thoughts, desires, memories, and accomplishments as those belonging to a third other while only keeping the failures to yself

this obviously creates the disconnect of being unable to live a fulfilling life and always being one step removed

i've heard tell that this condition can be called dissosiation however this may be fake news and shadow on the wall unknown to either scholars or myself

regardless this afflication tend sto plague my every waking moment, even know rather than experience the darkness of my own eyelids someone stuck on a late night movie projects to the back of my skull, thus i remain stuck here like those poor bastards from clockwork orange, i film i haven't watched as i got bored around the halfway mark

evthe only way i can mildly contend with this state of affairs is by constantly filling my senses so as to feed this machien and keep it satiated. with little input from other sources these feel good comedies and light eated romances turn into a painful horror where i'm made to create my own suffering and pain

thatbeing said,ii'dbea liar if i said it wasn't satisfying to divedeep anddescend into this murky pool. i wish to drink deep and descend (lancer ruleboo not quite it's from long rim in regards to thelich frame)

i only realy started to concesive o fmyself a person from around 201sixteen onwards as that's when i made my first honest friend that i could experence emtions aroud. not to be harsh on the other people i knew but whatever qualified for a male friendship essentially died the second we stopped playing halo those they wer good times

and now my internet is down and the magic of this moment is gone i need sedation i need my painkiller

my anxiousness rises as i see another one of the poor bastards, my wife, next to me and anxious as our internet goes does donw. she seems upset and i don't want to leave her alone out there but i feel myself disconnected from even this momoent, content with bein gan oberserver to her anxiety

i'm going to get up now